Nothing to see here
It's been a while since I've posted. Every once in a while I'll think of something I want to write about, but life gets in the way and by the time I have some time, I've forgotten about it. At any rate life has been fairly busy recently, I've completed one of my main things, and made some important decisions about up and coming things. Hopefully this means that my direction for the next year or so is set now, I've made my rocketship and now I've got to fly it. And well, if the rocketship gets shot down by aliens, well, then I'll just have too build another one and fly, fly again.
In a while I'm going to be heading over to see an interesting pitching competition where teams will be pitching their business ideas before prominent venture capitalists in a bid to get funding for the companies. Last years pitches were pretty entertaining. There was one pitch for anti anti spam software, that would help spammers get their message out by detecting anti spam software (including pop up blockers etc) and disable them. Not an idea likely to be voted most popular, but pretty creative. I haven't been involved in the organisation this year so I have no idea what sort of things will come up.
Before I leave I'm going to be talking with a potential teammate for my next project. This guy is really good at what he does, and should be an asset to the team, although technically we dont need particularly specific skills for the project. But more than u need is always good, I'm hoping he'll have some innovative ideas to push this thing along. If he's definitely in then I will spend the next couple of months laying down the groundwork in preparation for when the rest of my teammates finish their coursework (I've been lucky enough to complete mine way ahead of time).
Anyway all of the above is probably gibberish to everyone other than myself, so in other news the weather here has been pretty good recently, nice, sunny and warm. In fact, a little too hot but never mind. Everyone is out and about, even though most of the students are having exams, at least they get to study in the gardens. It's amazing the difference a bit of sun makes in this country. Back home we take it for granted... most days its sunny. But over here, when the sun comes out people genuinely seem to feel happier. Things look nicer. Birds sing more. People are more active. All until it rains again the next day.
It'll be nice when the weather does finally settle down into proper summer mode, because at the moment no one knows what to wear. Either you dress up and face the prospect of roasting in your own jacket, or you go out in a t-shirt and risk getting frostbite and drenched in freezing rain.
Anyway time to go now, got to talk to that guy.
Luck
Is anyone here any good at winning stuff? I have friends who win lucky draws and competitions on a fairly regular basis. One of my friends has recently won a hush puppies signature contest followed by the grand prize in a magazine contest.
Unfortunately, whilst I may be incredibly lucky in most aspects, in terms of lucky draw type things I'm probably as big a jinx as you can find. I can't remember ever winning anything at all. I don't win cheap door prizes at dinners, nor slogan contests... not even give away prizes... its depressing really.
Usually I dont even bother entering these things, but once in a while I'll forget and get excited and suddenly enter everything I can for a day or two, especially when I think I can tip the odds in my favour in some way. And then every time I enter, I'm almost certain that I'm going to win. And so I wait for the congratulatory notification that never comes.
Some people say that people like me are fated to have to work for their money but that money from working will come pretty easy. But I refuse to accept that and I'm going to work hard to break this curse. Except that that would be working for it. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't.
The night before, I stayed up till 6 a.m. specifically to enter a pepsi contest to win an xbox 360 at www.pepsi.co.uk. I dont particularly want an unmodified xbox, as I dont have a tv and do not wish to spend over forty pounds per game but I thought it would be a nice thing to win, and more importantly, I thought that my weird sleeping times would give me an edge.
the contest was giving away one xbox
every
90 minutes, so obviously entering at 4.30 in the morning is bound to put u in a slot with relatively few contenders (possibly none in the whole country i thought satisfiedly to myself in my most wishful moments). I even went through the recycling bins to get more entry codes to maximise my chances. So at 4.30 I started sms-ing these codes in, all 5 of them, spreading them out slowly till about 5.30. And then I waited for the victory announcement. Which of course never came. I was pretty tired by then so at 6.15 I just went to bed, only to be woken up a few minutes later by an SMS arrival. Leaping out of bed was unfortunately a waste of time.
I'm not going to give up though. I will win something one of these days. Even if I have to rig a competition of my own making.
HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY
Asian girls are my favourite kind of girls. If I wasn't Asian myself, I'd have an Asian fetish. It's much more to do with their culture and attitudes than it is about their looks though. Whilst I like my caucasian girl friends, I can't imagine going out with a single one of them; you can accept a lot more things in friends than you can in a partner.
But one thing that irritates me about Asian girls is the 'Hmph, I'm Too Pretty/Smart/High And Mighty To Look At You, Or Be Looked At By You' glance-turn-and-incline-nose move. We've all seen it -- when any guy walks down the street where there are Asians, and happens to come across some girl and glances at her, even momentarily, even if by accident, at least 30% of Asian girls immediately launch into HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY -- their faces contort into a haughty expression, their necks snap to the right, and their noses incline to 45 degrees with an error bound of less than 5 degrees. Their eyes meanwhile make a big show of conveying that their sole purpose of existing at that moment in time is in fact
not to look at you and that they would prefer not to have your dirty eyes on them either thank you very much.
And the weirdest thing is, the key word in the above paragraph is ANY. it doesn't matter at all whether the girl is actually pretty/smart/miss universe or a normal average girl, or even in fact if she is mind numbingly below average, 30% of ALL Asian girls do this. It's especially infuriating when you aren't even trying to look at them, but they just come into your field of vision by virtue of walking in the opposite direction and immediately HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY baby! Even worse, when you haven't even looked at them but they execute a preemptive HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY anyway just to be safe. Worse still, when you catch them checking
you out but they pull a HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY instead. It doesn't even matter who the guy is even, everyone seems to experience their own 30% of HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY, although not necessarily from the same girls. The most intriguing thing is it is apparently a reflex action. Even if the girl is internally thinking, 'hey cool looking guy, i wish i had more friends like that', outside she might be executing HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY automatically.
Anyway I wish I had a picture of these expressions, but if I took a picture of them it would probably elicit an ultra HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY. This is the closest picture i could find:
Anyone out there have good HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY experiences? I'd be interested in hearing the female perspective on this and whether you fall within the 30% of HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABYers.
By the way, it pleases me to possibly be the first person to ever come up with the letter combination HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY in the universe. Another great distinction to add to my list of accomplishments. A short list, but a list nonetheless. In case you're wondering why I have used the word HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY so many times in this post, it is in preparation for the hordes of people googling HITPSHAMTOLAYOBLABY.
Greek mothers
So here I am rewriting this post which just disappeared for some stupid browser reason.
Anyway, recently my Greek flatmate has had her mother over to visit.
The mother doesnt speak a word of english and she isnt very good at charades either. Whenever she tries to gesture something, none of us can understand what she means. The first time I met her she was cooking a fish and as soon as she saw me she began gesturing frantically to the fish. In the end my best guess is she was trying to say 'dont eat my fish'.
She isnt really the most friendly person I've ever met. The first few days I tried to smile whenever I saw her in the kitchen, but after getting blank stares in return every time I've decided to be a good boy and stop bothering the nice lady with my vicious facial expressions.
For someone visiting her daughter, they seem to spend a huge amount of time apart. In fact, most of the time the flatmate seems to stay in her room whilst the mother sits around in the kitchen doing nothing. At first I wondered if it was a culture thing, but now i suspect that theirs is a unique relationship. They've had a couple of parties since she's been over, all cooked for and prepared by the mother, and fully enjoyed by the daughter and all her friends (all 3 of them). The mother joins in the parties too but spends most of the time staring into space with a bored look on her face. Then after the party, you see her cleaning up the mess, all alone. I feel kind of sorry for them, having such a relationship. I wonder if theyre actually fighting or if this is normal for them.
Another thing is that the mother seems to like sitting around the kitchen doing nothing in the darkness and a couple of times I've wandered in to grab something without turning on the lights and suddenly noticed this figure sitting there silently. Fortunately, the curlers make her look less menacing.
Anyway, in other news, I did not manage to bump into the important guy last week, but the good news is I have a meeting set up with him this Tuesday, albeit at an incredibly early time, way before my usual wake up time, i.e. 10 am. But a guys got to do what a guys got to do to rule the universe. And I have another important meeting set up for Thursday, this time at a reasonable hour, but quite far away. Anyway hopefully these will yield good results. In the meantime I also have to decide a strategic time to hand in my homework. I finished it a long time ago, but if you hand it in too early the lecturers may interpret this as meaning 'please give me more work'.
Wish me luck.
Waiting
So here I am.
Waiting.
Patience is a tedious but necessary virtue. In my quest to rule the universe I have had to wait a lot. Theres always something to wait for, the next project, the next assignment, the next party, the next vacation, the next big thing. Waiting is especially important when you are relatively low on the food chain. The rule seems to be that the more important you are, the less people you have to wait for, and the more people have to wait for you. Its a stupid rule really.
So anyway, here I am, waiting.
At the moment I am waiting to see someone pretty high up. I dont even know if he is going to turn up today, I'm just waiting here on the off chance he appears. Thats how high up he is. (or how relatively low down I currently am). This guy is a billionaire, the founder of a number of successful companies, and a prominent academic to boot. He is also my official advisor, although unofficially I've spoken to him less times than I have fingers on one hand. And I'm not even one of those circus people with 20 fingers on a hand.
I'm trying to meet him to get his advice on my next step plan on taking over the universe. I'm hoping he'll be able to provide some good advice and possibly some good contacts so that I can push forward with the plan, which I have been working on for some time now. If not, I'll just have to find some other advisors. Anyone want to help me with my diabolical plan to take over the universe? Anyone at all?
Ok, I'm popping over again to see if he's in yet. Peace.
Haircut
Today I went for a haircut.
The past weekend was a long weekend holiday for the UK, with both Friday and Monday off. Obviously most people had been spending the time vigourously coaxing their hair out of their scalps for the barber shops were bustling with business. When I got to my regular barbers there were two people being served in the chair, plus another four waiting - pretty busy for a Tuesday afternoon. Of the two barbers at work, one of them was new to me, while the other had butchered my hair twice already, something which I didnt want happening again.
The barber system here is pretty efficient; whenever a chair is freed up, the next person in line simply goes up to fill it. In this way the line is kept moving and there is never any downtime. The downside is you can never choose who cuts your hair, unless you are willing to sacrifice your place in line. Fortunately, luck was with me today, and I finally got my seat with the new guy who was Italian.
I told him I wanted a number 3 sides and back, and shorter all around. Over here the barbers use a numbering system to indicate how much of your hair you want shaved off. First timers from overseas are often caught unawares by the system.
Essentially number 4 is neat but still long, number 1 is smooth like a babies butt and 2 and 3 are somewhere in between. Kind of like this picture here. But not really.
Anyways, this new barber had some kind of water fetish. You know that spray thing they use to wet your hair? He had cunningly modified his (or it had broke) so that instead of the usual gentle spray, what came out was huge spurts like from a water cannon. He seemed blissfully unaware of this fact and pulled on the trigger repeatedly as if he had just escaped from a Tarantino movie until my face was literally dripping with water. I actually had to blow out of my mouth to get rid of the water seeping in. He seemed unhappy unless he had a 100% liquid environment to work in.
Then when he actually started cutting my hair, there was so much excess water that the hair slid all over my face and stuck there, so that I looked somewhat like king kong but without the hairy ass. I began noticing passers by staring at me curiously. Its hard to faint nochalance when you have a face full of hair and are dripping liquid, but damn it, I did my best. The one thing I couldnt do was whistle, as I would have blown out puffs of hair.
Anyway, in the end the hair cut turned out ok, for a price of £10.50. I hear in London you can get cheaper cuts in China Town, but around here, this is about as good as it gets.
So there you go. Done for another year.
Human For Sale - Home - How much are you worth?
Human For Sale - Home - How much are you worth?
Bausch & Lomb Double Standards
As I was reading the papers today, I came across some news about Bausch & Lomb, a leading contact lens solution manufacturer, issuing a product recall in the US for its ReNu with MoistureLoc solution.
The product had been linked to a number of cases of a rare fungal infection. Without eye-drop treatment, which can last two to three months, the infection can scar the cornea and blind its victims. Symptoms can include blurry vision, pain or redness, excessive discharge and increased sensitivity to light.
Not only are the products being pulled from all retail shelves, but a comprehensive ad campaign will take place to advise consumers to stop using the products, and a refund system will be in place for people who have purchased the product.
Sample news stories can be seen here:
Bloomberg.com: U.S.CNN.com - Maker says not to use contact lens solution - Apr 14, 2006Reuters Business Channel Reuters.comNow thats all fair enough, except that the same South Carolina plant that serves the US also supplies three Asian countries, Malaysia, Singapore and Hong Kong. And the first incidences of infections occurred in these three countries, dating back to early 2005.
However, unlike in the US, the company did not rush to address the problem, nor has it taken any such steps to date, according to the meagre information I was able to obtain from thestar.com.my. The most recent local article I could find on the subject was on the 18th March where it was
reported that:
'Bausch & Lomb has said it will not withdraw its ReNu multi-purpose contact lens care solution from the market as it has not received any official statement from the Government.
Its public relations officer said: “We have confidence in our products. There is no evidence to show that ReNu is the cause of fungal keratitis infections.”'
Since then I understand that they have stopped shipping products from the US to Asia, but they havent initiated any recall (the government has banned the product themselves though) nor have they tried to inform the general public about the possible dangers.
Why the double standards? Probably a big reason would be the class action law suit filed against them in a country where suing people is a grand old tradition. But is there anything more than that? Multinationals have a history of providing substandard service when it comes to less developed countries, and more often than not, the reason is simply because they can get away with it. Of course, we're guilty of the same thing in reverse, manufacturing our cars to a much higher standard for export than for domestic use. So there! That's sticking it to them.
Anyway, if you want to get your money back, the good news is you don't even need to prove you bought a bottle. Just go
here, fill in the form and they'll send you a voucher for a new bottle (from a differnt line).
The bad news is you can only get this if you are in the US, and even then theres only one per household allowed which means that you might as well use your ten box collection to clean your car.
This whole recall exercise smacks of lip service,
whatever the CEO says. I suggest everyone just dont do anything to spoil your eyesight, then corporations wont be able to exploit us anymore.
p.s. as I'm not in Asia at the moment, I may be missing something so let me know if I am
p.p.s. I have perfect vision, so this doesnt really affect me. I'm just bored from doing work. Really bored.
For all you wonderful readers!
For all you wonderful ruler readers out there!
An Ode To You
Learning from animals
I'm watching a documentary at the moment about animals. There is a great deal to learn from observing animals -- either by humanising animals or by animalising humans. An amazing amount of similarity between humans and other animals exist when you think about it. Or even if you don't.
That's why I liked March of the Penguins. When you observe the dedication of emperor penguins in parenting their young -- braving harsh cold, starvation and dire circumstances for the survival of their one lone egg, you can't but help draw a human parallel, and imagine that you too would do the same if you had to. Although you probably wouldnt really last long standing in -50 degrees weather with an egg balanced on your feet.
As an aside, I don't know if anyone has actually seen March of the Penguins or any other penguin documentary, but in harsh weather the penguins tend to mass up in a huge huddle to keep warm and take turns to be on the outermost layer. My point is, has anyone else had a strong urge to dive into the huddle to see how warm it really is? Must try that the next time I'm down in Antartica.
Then again there is the hummingbird. With a heart that beats 1200 times a minute and wings that flap so fast theyre almost invisible, these guys live hard and live fast. Size for size, they consume more energy than a jetplane. You can find plenty of hummingbirds in the human population, energetic and positive, with a seemingly inexhaustible source of energy and no need to sleep. I have a friend like that called J. He's over in the US right now, working with a nanotechnology company.
Finally, we have the sloth. Spending 80% of its lifetime sleeping, this is one guy whos safe from being picked for dangerous missions, or any mission at all. When I see a sloth, I think of an old friend. She had an amazing ability to sleep. Day or night, rain or shine, the moment there was any downtime, off she went. Doctors should examine her to find a cure for insomnia.
bored
I'm so bored...
Meet my friend.
Will the real slim shady please stand up?
Just to check if my 3 loyal readers are still around, if you are reading this blog, could you leave a comment or a message somewhere?
Top 10 blogger contest
It has come to my attention that this blog has been nominated in a top 10 blogger contest hosted by http://laksadiaries.wordpress.com/
And to my surprised delight I find that I am currently, by a huge margin, in last place, with 51 votes!!!
The surprised delight is of course more because of the 51 votes than the last place bit. How the hell did I get 51 votes when I only have 3 readers? Admittedly, I did try clicking on the voting thing a million times to bring myself to the top but unfortunately that didnt work so the 51 votes are a mystery to me. Perhaps this is why George Shrub managed to get voted in twice despite being the most hated candidate in recent history.
At any rate, thanks to you if you really did vote for me. Win or lose, and I stress lose, I'm happy enough that anyone bothered to vote at all! For anything!
The full list of nominees (from http://laksadiaries.wordpress.com/) are
Nominees for Top 10 Male Bloggers
- Ah Pek
- C-Doodle
- Chin Kian
- FH2o
- Howsy
- Jacky
- Jeremy C
- Justsomeguy
- Kenny Sia
- Laksa
- LinPeh
- Robin
- Sisuahlai
- Tigerjoe
- Wingz
- Wuching
- Mahagurusia
Vote for your favourites at :Nominees for Top 10 Male Bloggers
Nominees for Top 10 Female Bloggers
- 5xMom
- Che-cheh
- Fashion Asia
- Fire Angel
- Hedonistics
- Helen
- King's Wife
- Luxferi
- Melancholy
- Pelf
- Samm
- Scorkes
- Siao Char Bor
- Stargazer
- Suan
- Ylang
- Yvy
Vote for your favourites at : nominees for Top 10 Female Bloggers
Results will be announced next Monday. By then with luck I'll have at least 52 votes.
Quarterly Results
Breaking news:
Well into its third week of operations, the world shaking new blogging sensation 'how to rule the universe in 21 days' has just released its quarterly results.
As of 10th April 2006, 'how to rule the universe in 21 days' now boasts a total of 3 avid readers, with an astounding average viewing time of 38 seconds, a record 300% boost from the previous quarter.
Commenting on the results, justsomeguy, Chief Blogger explains “This quarter’s results continue to demonstrate that blogging is a complete waste time. Whilst we did not achieve our previously forecasted results of 100 billion page views, we remain hopeful that people forgot about those projections. There are several reasons for missing our projections including an outage of power at our primary blogging site, which conceivably could have cost us at least one viewer, the continued poor quality of the writing on the site, high oil prices, and readers' inexplicable demands for interesting posts.”
Revenue growth was flat at $0, compared to $0 for the previous quarter. Exclaimed justsomeguy proudly, 'This is a promising sign as it indicates that we could pretty much write about paint drying and we would earn no less.'
Looking forward, 'how to rule the universe in 21 days' remains optimistic of hitting its long term goals. Exactly which long term goals these are remain a secret for competitive reasons, but justsomeguy assures readers that there is no way to go but up. In addition, as a responsible corporate citizen of the world, 'how to rule the universe in 21 days' will now be published only using 100% recycled materials.
UAP
Tall, pale, skinny, hairy men
Yesterday night my flatmates and I were making dinner in the kitchen when in walked
The Other Flatmate.
TOF is originally from some eastern european country but raised in london. he's a relatively mature student at 30, making it all the more amazing that he's never come across the concepts of manners or consideration. he's disliked by all as he tends to leave messes, make lots of noise at all times of the day and night, and steal food.
when he first moved in we were a little puzzled as he seemed to be angry all the time, slamming doors, throwing his plates around and generally enfusing every move with aggressiveness. since then we've decided that he's probably not actually angry 24/7, he just never learned that its not nice to slam doors at 5 am every morning.
he's also not very subtle at stealing food. instead of 'borrowing' a bit of milk or bread like most people, he simply moves the entire item to his own fridge or cupboard. however, a master of playground defense techniques, we have been unable to bring him to justice. when confronted with irrefutable evidence of his crimes, he simply looks down guiltily and says 'it wasnt me'. which is pretty ironclad really.
anyway TOF is pretty tall, well over 6 feet, but thin as a rail. he's also pasty white, and very hairy. and yesterday, just before dinner, we witnessed the horror of TOF in tight clingy shorts and a singlet, leaving nothing to the imagination.
this guy is much more attractive.
Star Wars in 2 min
For those too lazy to read books, there are movies. For those too lazy to watch movies, there are gifs.
Star Wars IV: A New Hope
Star Wars V: The Empire Strikes Back
update: this post would be much more meaningful if the animated gifs were working
250,000 bouncing balls
Amazing quicktime video of a TV advert consisting of a quarter of a million colourful bouncy balls bouncing down the hills of San Francisco.
I have two questions though, how did they clean up the mess and how did they not cause a major traffic accident? Imagine sitting in your car at the base of a hill when 250,000 bouncy balls come rushing at you.
Sony BRAVIA - The Advert
Mobile blog
Speaking of blogs, this guy has combined commuting with blogging to produce a weekly video blog, shot entirely from the driver's seat of his car. He has guest stars (people bumming a ride) and co-hosts (his wife). Also exciting segments like 'What's in the trunk?'
DriveTime
if u cant find a ghost, make one
haque :: design + research
Worth1000.com | Photoshop Contests | Are you Worthy� | contest
Check these photoshopped anime-celebrities out.
Worth1000.com Photoshop Contests Are you Worthy� contest
Intellectual Pee
Statues that pee in quotes
David Cerny - uplne oficialni stranka
The world in 100 people
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of exactly 100 people, with all the current human ratios remaining the same, then there would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 Westerners
8 Africans
52 would be female
48 would be male
70 would be non-white
30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian
89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the USA
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death
1 would have a college education
1 would own a computer
So if you, the reader, are able to read, are reading this from a computer in a comfortable house, are not too hungry to be reading, are alive and kicking, and have gone to, will go to, or are going to college, congratulations are in order, you just beat out most of the world.
Blogs
Blogging is a fascinating phenomenon.
Many years ago, when men were men but before blogs were blogs, people would keep personal sites where they wrote down their thoughts and stories without ever realising they were actually blogging. How foolish they must have felt when they found out!
And then blogger and its hundred counterparts came into being and everyone else and their grandmother decided to start a blog.
I've been reading blogs for a long time now, since I was a wee teenager and just learned to read. I started out with the aforementioned non blog blogs and then moved on to blog blogs. My blog bookmark list is now almost as long as something that's really really long. I don't have the time to read a tenth of the blogs I'm interested in, but I do anyway.
I read all sorts of blogs by all sorts of people. I read financial blogs about business, I read political blogs about politics, I read technological blogs about technology, I read humour blogs about humour, I read personal blogs about people and redundant blogs about how to stop being redundant. I learn a lot from these blogs.
In terms of personal blogs, I've been surprised at how active the Malaysian and Singaporean blogging scene has been. Blogs from those countries are my favourite amongst personal blogs; they help me keep up to date with whats happening at home.
Here is a small sample of the Malaysian & Singaporean personal blogs that I have read, in no particular order, with no particular descriptions, for no particular reason.
http://www.galnexdor.blogspot.com/http://www.kennysia.com/http://audree.blogdrive.com/http://tabulas.com/~lainiehttp://impossiblemelody.blogdrive.com/http://www.fireangelism.com/http://kyspeaks.com/http://tok3tok4.blogspot.com/http://lindachia.blogspot.com/Frankly, I'm amazed anyone has the time and patience to blog.
Motivation
Well its been a long hard slog, but we've made it people. It's April.
Today's topic is: Motivation.
Motivation is a powerful force, and knowing how to motivate people is one of the most powerful tools a rul
er of the universe can have. But normal people need to learn motivational techniques too as it makes even the simplest things easier.
My first memory of motivating someone was as a mere child in the park. My mum wouldnt buy me an ice cream from the ice cream truck so I simply gazed wistfully at the ice cream man for 2 hours until he finally broke down in tears and felt motivated to give me an ice cream for free. From that simple lesson, I learned, without even intending to do so at the time, that I too could motivate those around me and change the very fabric of the universe.
More recently, I have learned that staring at the ice cream man no longer works when you're well over 20 years old.
To end this post, I leave you with some motivational posters.
One of my favourite places
An ode to my ass
Today I said something funny. Then, overcome with my own wit I stood up and laughed my ass off. Then I put my ass back on because i figured it could come in useful one day. And indeed i was immediately proven right because I sat back down on it. and i lit some incense sticks and gave thanks for my ass, since it is not only extremely functional (able to sit on at least 500 different surfaces, crack walnuts and moon werewolves) but also revered by all to be aesthetically pleasing and a source of great wealth creation (see
http://rulerguy.blogspot.com/2006/03/where-am-i.html).
but anyway, indeed it is a sight to behold. otherwise why would i spend three hours a day, every day, staring at it?
being the ruler of the universe naturally requires a degree of self confidence and an acceptance of oneself. but even normal people should never feel bad about their own bodies -- they're the only bodies we have so we might as well like them. by all means strive to improve them, but never let them be a source of unhappiness. fat, tall, short, thin, big nose, small nose, crooked nose -- its all good.
in order to demonstrate how happy and accepting i am of my buttocks, and in fact how overcome with admiration i am over them, i shall now compose a poem about them.
an ode to my ass:
my ass is round and soft,
just like bunnies in the loft,
smooth like a bowling ball,
sweet like a morning call,
i polish it every night,
and use botox to make it tight,
it is an object to be twirled,
for it is the 8th wonder of the world.
anyone else who would like to write poems about their anatomy are welcome to do so. and remember today's moral:
keep your ass handy
Letter to my needy friends
Dear John Dough,
I am replying with regards to the BUSINESS PROPOSAL that you sent me a couple of days ago.
First of all, I want to relay to you how saddened I am to hear of what has befallen your Father, Dr. Gubwano Mumbasa. While I never heard of him before, as I do not generally keep up to date on the affairs of Nigeria, your letter left me with little doubt that his was a career filled with success and achievements. I'm sure Dr. Mumbasa's plight will find many sympathizers amongst the honest people of your great nation.
As I have stated, I do not follow the events in your part of the world too closely, but from what I have heard, the events detailed in your letter do not surprise me in the least. It is outrageous that such horrible injustices can take place.
But I would like to discuss your proposal. It could not have come at a better time. You see, just last week, I received a confidential letter from Never-Neverland. It was from a man named Chuichui Boondwaka Jr., who is the Loyal Servant of Marcos C., the recently deceased General in the People's Army of that country.
This man's letter explained how after his Master's death there is a significant amount of money being sought by the C.'s enemies in Never-Neverland. It then went on to ask for my help in moving the money (a total of TWENTY MILLION - $20000000 U.S. Dollars) out of Never-Neverland and into my account, promising to pay me a percentage of the sum as compensation for my part of the operation.
In his letter, Chuichui Boondwaka Jr. requested complete secrecy, so while I have shared this information with you because you seem to be in a very similar situation, I am sure you will appreciate the need to not share this highly confidential information with any of your other contacts.
I was quite ready to offer Chuichui Boondwaka Jr. my assistance with the transfer of his Master's money when I got your letter. You see, I have performed poorly at my part time job this year, and did not receive a yearly bonus from my employer. Therefore, I believe that if I were to transfer a large amount of money (even as much as TEN MILLION - $10000000 DOLLARS, the amount your are proposing to move), the authorities would simply believe this to be my bonus and it would not raise eyebrows or trigger any red flags.
In truth, initially receiving your letter within mere days after getting Chuichui Boondwaka Jr.'s, I was a little skeptical as to the honesty of your claims. However, after thinking about it a lot yesterday, I have come to realise that this is an indicator that the situation in countries like Nigeria and Never-Neverland is much less stable than what is portrayed by our government and media. This deception of the masses is outrageous and I for one will write letters to various people demanding it come to a stop.
However, the current situation represents a bit of a dilemma for me. You see, while I would be happy to acommodate you both, I do not want to run the risk of detection by both the Never-Neverland Special Services Branch and their counterpart in Nigeria, as such risk would put all parties in excessive (and in my eyes - unacceptable) jeopardy. So it is after long hours of being torn between caution and compassion to both your causes, that I have decided that I dare risk accepting only one of the offers.
Do not worry however, while Chuichui Boondwaka Jr.'s offer is more lucrative financially, I firmly believe that in such situations, financial gain must take a back seat in favor of ethics and integrity. One day I shall be ruler of the universe and I cannot afford to be associated with anyone who is less than 100% ethical.
Therefore, my decision in this matter has to be made primarily based upon the seriousness of your situation, as well as that of C.'s Loyal Servant. I would appreciate you getting back to me at your earliest convenience to let me know why you, and the estate of your esteemed Father are more worthy of my aid than Marcos C.. Also, in finding me, you have demonstrated that you are a man of many connections, in your own country as well as abroad. If through your associates in the information gathering sphere you come upon any information leading you to believe Chuichui Boondwaka Jr. to be disingenuous or not worthy of my help, I am sure you will relay such information to me with all expedience, as it will greatly benefit your own cause.
I eagerly await to hear back from you with the pertinent information, and would like to assure you that I approach our dealings with all the secrecy and gravity that the situation requires.
Your Friend.
Who am I?
Who am I?
Do you really want to know?
The story of my life is not only touching, but also mildly nauseating.
It all began in a town far far away from here. The town where I grew up. A town called Bigville.
Bigville was a tiny town, with a population of two hundred twenty seven and a half, if you counted crazy Old You Rhea who lived half the time in Bigville and half the time in his own fantasy world. Although it would have been nice to think so, his world was not one where daffodils danced with roses, and cuddly bears had picnics with various fluffy creatures. It was instead inhabited mainly by marshmallow men with stinging tentacles and venomous teeth, which is not quite the same thing.
When not delusional, Old You tended to fart and curse almost constantly, generally pausing only to take in oxygen, or food to fuel his toxic ammo. People used to take deep breaths before walking past his house, but because of the sheer potency and power of Old You's gases, they usually ran out of breath before getting out of range. The current mayor had done the town a great service by purchasing a number of gas masks that hung in specially constructed booths at either side of the odour-zone. Someone walking from one side to the other would grab a mask from one booth, use it to safely cross the zone, and then hang it back in the booth at the other end.
Strangely enough, Old You was not the most popular man in town.
However, he was allowed to stay in his old house on Main Street, partly because he had once been an important figure in town, and mainly because he had a fierce guardian in the form of Mrs. Lisa.
Mrs. Lisa was a formidable woman, as wide as two normal men and thrice as tough. Her face was oval in shape, but in a way that suggested someone with little artistic ability had tried and failed to draw a circle than in an attractive sort of way. On the face were two squinty eyes, a wide hooked nose and a mouth that was drawn into a permanent sneer; despite the fact that she almost never actually smiled. The only time anyone could remember her exhibiting a sense of humour was when her neighbour got struck by lightning and fell into the well. She didn't stop laughing for five days.
The most intimidating things about Mrs. Lisa however were her veins and muscles. When she crossed her arms and glared at anyone unfortunate enough to have incurred her wrath, the muscles bunched up and you could see the veins rippling and writhing like snakes on LSD. That sight alone was enough to cause the bravest man to run for his life, and indeed many had.
No one knew why it was that Mrs. Lisa had taken it upon herself to take care of Old You. No one could remember her turning up to take care of him; she had simply always been there.
Legend has it that one of the previous mayors of Bigville had once attempted to have Old You sent to an old folks home. What ensued allegedly involved a broomstick, a duck, and those veins and muscles, but legend fortunately does not go into more detail than that. What is certain however, is that the mayor became the former mayor almost instantaneously, and it was weeks before anyone else dared take his place.
The fastest way to get Mrs. Lisa riled up was simply to walk, or even think about walking, near her backyard. She guarded the small fenced up area as fiercely as she did Old You, and woe is he who tried to enter her territory. Of course that made us kids itchy as hell to find out what lay behind those ominous plank walls. Sometimes, if you stood with your ear to the ground opposite the yard, just before you got clobbered by Mrs. Lisa, you might hear a curious trickling sound. This sound was often followed by a deep rumbling sound of satisfaction, much like that a man might make after a good meal, and yet distinctly inhuman in quality. It was a mystery, but none of us were brave enough to venture in to find out.
And so, I grew up in the happy town of Bigville, oblivious to the troubles of the world, concerned only with my own problems, which at the time consisted mainly of securing hoards of candy and milking my family's cows twice a day. Occasionally, when the mood struck me I would go and get educated by the town's one and only teacher, Mr. Dryer.
Mr. Dryer was one of the most respected men in town, due to his high level of education. He was the only one who had graduated from high school within a hundred miles of Bigville, and for that we were proud. It was not called high school for nothing after all. And what secured his status was that Mr. Dryer was genuinely a very nice man, liked by all.
However, as much as I liked him, I never found much use for his education, so I ended giving most of it back to him in case he needed it again. The only word I could spell was my own name, and of course 'c-o-w', which, I figured, was pretty much all I needed for a career in milking cows.
That is not to say that I did not have big plans for my life. I was extremely ambitious -- too ambitious for my own good according to my mother. I planned on being a big man in town, even bigger than my own father, who had done extremely well for himself. In fact, I was going to be the most powerful man in Bigville. Instead of ten cows, I was going have fifty. And chickens too.
Sometimes, when I let my ego run wild I even dreamed about owning turkeys.
And just like that, a year passed.
And then another.
And another.
You get the idea.
Each year was pretty much the same as the last. Of course there were some occasional highlights, such as when I won the town spitting contest, or when I discovered that I had a talent for yodelling.
I decided to make it a habit to yodel as I milked; something I liked to think of as my personal signature, but which everyone else liked to think of as shutupyoumoronitsfiveinthegoddamnmorning. But all great men need a signature I feel.
Cocooned in this protected environment, it wasn't till I was a strapping boy of sixty two that I found out how hard life really was. That was the year everything changed completely for me. That was the year I left Bigville forever.
The weather was scorching that summer. 41 degrees of burning heat. Everywhere, people desperately tried to seek reprieve from the flaming sun. Inside the house the stilted air was crushing, outside, the sun was agonizing. I found myself continually fantasizing about cooler places, like the Mojave Desert.
As the summer progressed, things gradually got worse. All the nearby waterholes and streams dried up in the heat, and even the well and the storm drains were left parched. There wasn’t a single open expanse of water left in Bigville.
Bottled drinking water was shipped in, but even that was rationed to a minimum. Not having something you’ve always had makes it suddenly seem so much more important. I started having a whole new perspective on things. For the first time, I noticed there was a lot of water featured in Baywatch; something that had somehow always escaped my attention before.
I yearned for somewhere to cool myself; to rid myself of this constant feeling of being grilled. If my fridge had been any bigger, or if I had been any smaller, I would have moved in for the summer. Of course, I wasn’t the only one with that idea, and I began to forget that there was ever a time when I could open a fridge without some snotty little kid telling me to ‘Hey shut that door, you’re letting the cold out’. Sometimes I’d imagine they were popsicles and start licking them.
Even the animals felt the heat. The cows grew lethargic and sullen, the chickens lay on the ground unmoving, figuring that if we did try and roast them in the oven it couldn’t get any worse than it already was. Only Old You seemed unaffected, and rocked on his porch as he always had, cursing and farting quietly to himself.
I began to dream of water.
And in my dreams, I heard a trickling sound. The trickling from Mrs. Lisa’s backyard.
...
p.s. the title is a falsehood. this has nothing to do with who i am
An eventful day
today was an eventful day.
i woke up. did some random work and talked to some random people.
and then comes the eventful bit -- i had dinner.
this is what i had for dinner:
1. a piece of meat leftover from two nights ago.
2. some frozen vegetables. although that was before i microwaved them.
3. two pieces of toast. they were a bit tough cause theyve been sitting around for a while. but there wasnt any mold at least.
4. a yoghurt. ive already forgotten what flavour it was, but for completeness, let us assume it was strawberry.
then i exercised. then i showered. then i wrote this. and then after that i wrote this:
in case this isnt already blindingly obvious i intend to make this blog the most interesting and informative blog in the history of mankind. billions, no make that trillions, shall flock to read about my exciting and often shocking tales, such as the one u have just read. be warned, this blog is not for the faint hearted. be scared. be very scared.
for the more pedantic readers out there, there may only be six billion or so people now, but im counting on future generations for the next million years reading these archives. not to mention all those space aliens out there. i will, after all, be the ruler of the universe and not just earth.
realistic assumptions are one of my specialities.
and now i shall do some other stuff. tonight shall be a productive night. maybe ill write a concerto or compose a sonet or write a dissertation on how to achieve world peace. or maybe ill sit here doing nothing.
Where am I?
So what is your typical run of the mill ruler of the universe like anyway?
Well at the moment I'm stuck in a small city/large town (depending on how generous you're feeling) in england. It's not the place I'd most like to be (or even in the top ten list) but its not too bad, the place is pretty scenic and we have plenty of tourists that pay to visit so I can't really complain. And if all else fails we have a good number of ducks around which is always good when you want to take over the universe.
So with the wonders of nanotechnology, here is a miniaturised version of the city.
In a city/town this small/large, the best way to get around is usually by bike cause the roads all suck by virtue of being built in 800 B.C. for the purpose of horse drawn carriages. It's apparently not occurred to anyone since to build larger roads. What they did manage to come up with was making most of the roads one way, hence tripling the distance by car to any destination. They also managed to misplace all the parking spots so cars generally park on both sides of any given street making said street even narrower than it already was. So, long story short we get around by foot, or by bike.
This is what mine looks like. One day this piece of junk with brakes that dont work, no lights and the weight of a medium sized elephant will be worth a lot of money, especially the seat. It shall be known as 'The Seat That Regularly Touched The Butt That Rules The Universe'. I imagine that hordes of girls will be screaming and crying whilst rubbing their faces in 'The Seat That Regularly Touched The Butt That Rules The Universe'. Forgive me, for the part of my brain that feeds my ego has starved the part of my brain used for naming things.
This is the river that flows through the town. I'm going to just refer to it as town from now on because I'm lazy to keep typing city/town. I don't actually know what the official line is even.
The town is actually named after the river. Or possibly vice versa -- my knowledge of history is almost as bad as my naming skills. Oh, that includes the 800 B.C. thing -- it could have been 798 B.C. for all I know.
Anyway, it's a nice looking river. During the summer, which is when that picture was taken, its filled with river traffic. Although obviously not in that picture for some reason. But it is.
Right now its supposed to be spring, but it's still pretty cold and wet so the river looks like that picture minus the sun, plus lots of rain and minus some leaves.
So that's where I am right now.
More posts about taking over the universe to come.
p.s. why are my paragraph spacings not showing up in this post?
p.p.s. yes, i realise i havent answered the first line of this post
Introduction
Welcome to this blog!
Thank you all for coming. We don't have a lot of time so let's get straight to the point.
You have all ventured here from a variety of sources, linked from a search engine, from another blog, or from accidentally typing
www.rulerguy.blogspot.com.
You have all ventured here from a wide array of countries. Some of you are Asian, some are European, some American, some Australian and some African. One of you is from the North Pole but thats only by accident.
You have all ventured here from a wide variety of backgrounds. Some of you are students, some are teachers, some of you are master criminals, some are master sleuths. Some of you may be 105 (well done for living so long), others may be 5 (well done for learning to read).
However, without exception, all of you have ventured here for one uniting reason -- to read about me! Glorious me! Through me, there is unity, crossing all boundaries in geography, culture, race and intelligence. Through me, all are one.
My motivation for starting this blog, is ancillary to the same motivation that motivates me to do everything I do in life. It is a rather great and noble motivation, especially because I say it myself. In fact it is mostly my journey towards this great and noble goal that will be the main subject matter of this blog. Not being one to beat around the bush, I will reveal this motivating goal to you soon, as soon as I have first emphasised how very great and noble it is. Never let it be said that I was coy about revealing my goals. And now, without great ado, in an expedient and efficient manner, I reveal my goal, herewith:
One day, I shall take over the universe.
Yes. It is true. You are reading the blog of the one who shall one day rule this universe. I shall be known as The One Who Rules This Universe. Unless of course the reader happens to be reading from a parallel universe, in which case of course I shall be known as The One Who Rules That Universe.
Semantics aside, why am I starting this blog? More discerning readers, i.e., those who were paying attention, will have noticed that although I seemingly answered this question a few paragraphs ago, I actually said nothing at all. This technique is known as 'smart' talk and is practiced by management consultants, investment bankers, con men and other such intelligent individuals whose occupational success relies mainly on the ability to talk a lot but say very little. I expect that this is one of the techniques that shall aid me greatly in my quest to take over the universe.
At any rate, have you ever wondered what Bill Gates was like before he was the richest man on the planet? What Tom Cruise was like before he was a famous actor? What George Bush was like before his lobotomy? Biographies are a huge business, simply because people are interested in other people, aka they're terrible busybodies. But biographies rarely show how successful people really became successful. Usually you get a boo hoo story about how they started out humble and worked really hard, and then boom -- the next chapter theyre a superstar. But how did they actually get there?
So in order to save future generations from getting mauled by curious cats, and to avoid wasting the efforts of historians to come, I have decided to chronicle my rise to becoming ruler of the universe. By starting early, this blog shall show readers the everyday activities that take me from my current humble beginnings to the omnipotent ruler of everything under the sun. Or the moon at night.
Of course, dont expect every post to be directly linked to taking over the universe. Being the ruler of everything is a complex process. I may often talk about things which may seem to the untrained eye to be entirely unrelated to universal domination such as a movie review or a discussion on the finer points of popcorn. Do not let this fool you. Everything is part of the big picture, everything is just one step further towards absolute supremacy.
And so I hope you join me on this journey. It shall be long, exciting and revealing.
Then again, I may get bored tomorrow. Who knows.
